Balance and Happiness

Balance is an amazing feeling. It's been a long journey to get my mind to where it is today, a journey that I know will never truly end, but I'm thankful to have found myself in a beautiful place with a happy and balanced mindset.

I used to be such an all-or-nothing person. I was a perfectionist. If things couldn't be perfect, then they might as well have been as fucked up as possible. That was my thinking, and that's the way I approached my life, my exercise habits, my diet, my binge-drinking problem, and even my education. Looking back, I think the only time that worked in my favor was getting a 4.0 in grad school and completely cutting out alcohol. (I don't believe that I could be a balanced alcoholic. LOL.) Otherwise, I was sabotaging myself. In regards to fitness, I was like many women: my happiness was dependent upon a number on the scale. My worthiness of friendship, love, or self-respect was dependent upon how "fat" or "skinny" I was. Just writing this, I feel both embarrassed and vulnerable for sharing that, because for so long, that was such a deeply personal and hidden part of me that I don't think I ever talked about it with anyone. However, I now realize just how common that feeling is, yet how unspoken we are about it.

It's been a slow journey to let go of that black-or-white mindset. I say all the time how fitness changed my life. It has opened my eyes to what it means to be passionate about something. It has created a pit of curiosity and fascination within me where I will never know/learn enough. It has tested and nurtured my patience and dedication. But it has also saved me from myself. It has taught me to focus of progress instead of perfection. It has taught me to recognize and accept from the get-go that things will never be 100% perfect, that there is no such thing as perfect, that I will be imperfect, and that it's both expected and ok. It has taught me that my life is me vs. me, to not compare myself to anyone else or my journey to anyone else's journey, and to not rely on anyone else for approval, validation, or worthiness. In the words of Brooke Erickson, I am enough. Fitness has taught me to appreciate myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my flaws... It has taught me to love myself, just the way I am right now, for all the things that I am, and all the things that I'm not.

With all that my fitness journey has given me, it makes me sad to see this lifestyle stripping others of these very same things. That's why I share my journey and why I talk so much about balance and flexibility. When "clean eating" turns into needlessly restrictive and disordered eating. When exercise becomes punishment for straying from "clean" foods or binge eating. When diet and exercise becomes a compensatory cycle of restrict/binge/guilt/restrict. When the standard of beauty comes from stage-ready physiques. That's the trap I want people to escape from. I have balance and flexibility in my diet. I do not feel a single ounce of guilt over anything I eat. I do not punish myself with excessive exercise. I do the things that bring me joy, and I forget about that things that don't. And I make sure that this lifestyle adds to my life more than it takes away from it.

Eating Voodoo donuts... Because life is short.

Going into this prep, I'm in a beautifully balanced and centered place. I am only interested in competing with myself. This is me vs. me. I am not interested in putting my mental, emotional, or physical health in jeopardy. I am not interested in losing the passion that I have for this lifestyle by making it a chore. I am energized by this lifestyle, and I will continue to live it in a way that serves to bring me happiness. I am not defined by a title, a placing, or a trophy. I am defined by my character. I am a daughter, a sister, a dog-mom, and a girlfriend. I am an optimist, an introvert, an animal lover, and a knowledge seeker. My worthiness is not attached to a weight, a body fat %, or a certain physique. What's truly important to me is who I am inside, how I treat those around me, and how I nurture my relationships. As I begin this prep, my focus is on balance and happiness. No, it will not be easy, and yes, it will be hard. But a challenge is exactly what I 'm after.

If you're struggling to find balance, reflect on why you're doing the things that you're doing. Are they serving to bring you happiness, or only bringing you down? Find some inspiration from others, and find some inspiration in yourself. Realize that happiness is not a destination, but a state of being (I highly recommend you watch BioLayne Vlog #26), and that if you aren't happy with who you are right now and the things that make you uniquely you, you won't be happy when you reach your goal, whether that's losing 10 lbs., or winning a bodybuilding competition, or getting a new job.

As I write this, I am wrapping up a 12 month long improvement season and am up almost 30 lbs. from my last stage weight. Would I like to be leaner? Sure. But I am no less happy than I was the day I stepped on stage. I am no less kind, intelligent, competent, caring, beautiful, strong, worthy, deserving, or loved than I was when I was stage-lean. And neither are you. You are not a number on the scale, a body fat %, a title, or a placing. You are not your best physique. You are not your worst physique. You are not your dream job. You are not what other people think you ought to be. You are you. You deserve balance, and you deserve happiness. Not 10 lbs. from now. Not when you get a new job, or a new car, or a new house, or start dating someone... But right now. Find balance and happiness not in the destination, but in the journey, in all the struggles and in all the triumphs, and in the here and now.