5 Months Post-Show

Time is a funny thing, the way it sometimes drags, sometimes flies, and sometimes slips by without you even really noticing it passing. One reason I love blogging is because it catalogs my time. I can look back at a certain point of my life, read a post I had written, and remember the thoughts, feelings, and ideas that were coloring my world. I can recall memories, struggles, triumphs, and mundane phases of nothing-too-exciting and nothing-too-overwhelming.

I haven't been writing nearly as much lately. In some ways, I haven't known where to start again. It sometimes felt like I needed to recap all the time that has passed, explain why I've been gone, and what I've been doing. And that feels like a daunting task because, since my show in November, I've had week after week, month after month, of struggling, falling down, getting back up, falling down again, and still getting back up again. I wanted to write again when I had things more "figured out", but I'm reminding myself that there are rarely ever easy answers or times when we know for sure exactly what we're doing and why. What I can say is that the last month or so has left me feeling more like myself than I had been feeling since competing. It might seem silly to still be measuring my life in relationship to my last competition, but that prep took so much out of me, and I'm just now, in the last month, feeling like I'm finally over it.

So what I've been doing...

Working, making more time for my clients, continuing to broaden my education, and focusing on growing my business.

I've been spending more quality time with my dogs, more time snuggling them and playing with them, and more leisurely walks where they get to sniff and sniff and sniff, instead of being dragged along on walks that were really for me.

I've been working out in ways that feel good for my body and call to me. I've been experimenting with different training splits, frequencies, intensities, exercise selection, and techniques, and enjoying choosing the ones that are FUN to me, instead of what I'm told is optimal. I've been listening to my body, resting when I need to, and focusing on becoming a stronger, happier human by not breaking myself in the gym.

I've been experimenting with intuitive eating, fueling myself with whole foods, and coming back to my roots of being a more crunchy, holistic nutrition nerd. I've kicked the shitty processed, chemical-laden "diet" foods and packaged "fitness" foods, stopped looking at foods solely in terms of their macronutrient and calorie content, and started nourishing my body on a much deeper level. I've been eating more fruits and veggies than I ever have in my life, and it feels amazing.

I've been reflecting on my experiences with competing and wondering where that piece of my life now fits. For the first time, I'm questioning whether or not competing is something I want to continue to pursue. I probably go back and forth several times in any given week. I think about how much I have learned from it, about myself and what I can accomplish, and how much physical and mental stamina I have built, as well as the wonderful people that I've met. But I also think about all that I have sacrificed -- date nights, family meals, turning down events (although really, I'm naturally such an introvert that being "in prep" is often just a convenient excuse), a healthy relationship with food and a positive view of my body (both of which are a work in progress), and what sometimes feels like all of my money (lol). The question is, for me, is it worth it? And my answer depends on the day.

There's no need to make a decision right now, or this month, or the next, or even the next. (Thankfully, haha.) My only deadline, should I choose to compete again, is to do a show within 2 years (so November 2018) to maintain my professional status. I have plenty of time to think about things, or even to not think about anything, and just see where my life takes me. Maybe I'll effortless fall back into it, and maybe I'll effortlessly step out of it. I do know, however, that this last year burnt me out. There were a couple of factors that came together to make just the perfect storm of me feeling exhausted, burnt out, and disappointed when all was said and done. 

I plan to write a lot more, on a number of topics, and am looking forward to better cataloging my time again. I'm content with where I'm currently at, even if it's not where I ultimately want to end up. I'm grateful for the clarity that has allowed me to put my health first and focus on being HAPPY. I'm excited to be in this "life season" where I get to focus on whatever appeals to me without the deadline of stage looming over me. It's 5 months post-show, but I feel like I'm finally back to "me", and that's an indescribably good feeling. :)